


Monstrous

by a_loser_s_noodles



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Azula finally opens up, Azula is a mentally ill kid she deserves compassion, Brother-Sister Relationship, Character Study, Gen, POV Azula (Avatar), Post-Finale, Post-The Last Agni Kai (Avatar), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Stream of Consciousness, Toxic Sibling Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:27:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26689669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_loser_s_noodles/pseuds/a_loser_s_noodles
Summary: After beating her in the series finale, Zuko doesn't know what should happen to Azula.
Relationships: Azula & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 44





	Monstrous

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a bunch of feelings I had about these two put into a fic. I haven't read the comics yet so this only takes into account the continuity of the actual show.

The floor smells like wet moss. Azula’s body slowly heats up again, small bites of pain are starting to run up her arms and legs like ants as her limbs return to her. She feels cold droplets sliding off her hair and onto the back of her neck, mingled with her sweat and blood, as well as some ash.

Her throat is sore and dry. She’s screamed so hard she’s afraid she burnt out bits of her vocal chords. Dried tears stain her cheeks, she can’t even cry anymore, she just hiccups and shakes. Not that anyone is there to listen, of course. Zuko and that waterbender girl left the palace more than an hour ago. They’re probably with the Avatar now.

Strangely enough, Azula can’t bring herself to care about the outcome of his duel with her father. She can’t help but feel weirdly detached from everything that’s happening, like a veil of water keeps her away from it. When she faced Zuko there was a storm raging in her chest, sending shivers of rage and desperation down her spine, flashing blinding light in front of her eyes and casting shadows shaped like her mother’s smile. It was so intense and painful she couldn’t control the foam at the corner of her mouth, it felt like it would never end until it burst out through her ribs and spread to everyone around her. Now she’s calm, but it doesn’t feel much better. She’s empty and she can’t even be angry about it.

Light footsteps approach, and someone crouches over her. The scent of recently burnt flesh is what gives it away.

“I know you’re conscious”, whispers Zuko’s rough voice.

“What does it matter to you? Where’s the Water Tribe girl?

\- Katara. She left to find the Avatar.”

Azula lifts her head up and looks at Zuko’s chest. His wound is scarring well, like he’s been taking good care of it for a few days.

“She’s a good healer, I’ll give her that.”

She chuckles.

“And a good waterbender, I suppose. She did beat me. You have a lot to thank her for.”

Zuko doesn’t say anything. He just sits with his legs crossed and stares at the pavement. His fingers repeatedly trace crosses in the ashy dust. Azula notices she feels less cold now, she wonders if her brother is firebending to keep himself warm.

“What are you gonna do with me?”

There’s a moment of silence. Zuko doesn’t stop, he answers without even looking at her.

“What do you want us to do with you?

\- Ha! Are you kidding? Set me free, of course!

\- See, I don’t think you want that. Where would you go? You’ve got no friends, no one who would even give you a roof. You’d just wander around and scare people off.

\- It’s worked out fine for me up until now.

\- Has it?”

Another pause. Zuko finally gets up, and slowly loosens the chains around Azula's wrists. She stays in place, mechanically rubbing her bruised wrists.

“Azula... I’ll be honest, I don’t know what should happen to you. I stayed behind because I’m not sure. I don’t want you hurting anyone else, but I also don’t want you... _gone_. After everything I’ve done, I was able to find myself and be better. Knowing that, I just can’t lock you up in a cell and let you rot there. I refuse to believe there’s nothing left to salvage in you. But I can’t see any of it.

\- Why do you bother? It’s not like we’ll see each other again after this.”

More silence. Azula notices Zuko blink faster, as he keeps himself from crying in front of her. His voice trembles as he yells, flinging his arms around him almost without noticing.

“Is that it then?! I turn my back on my sister and pretend you never existed?

\- Yeah, cause we’ve had such good times together! I bet you wanna remember every single second of it!

\- I don’t! I...”

Zuko bites his lower lip, like he’s struggling with putting a thought he’s had for a long time into words.

“I wish my sister hadn’t been _you_. I want one in my life. I just don’t want her to be you.”

Tears flow down his face as he finally breaks down. Azula bitterly smiles:

“Hey, I often wish I wasn’t me too, that makes two of us.”

Silence.

“But I guess you’re stuck with me.

\- I’m sick of trying so hard... It seems to come so easily for Katara and Sokka! That’s her brother, Sokka.

\- Yeah, I got that.

\- Whenever they fight, they just talk it out and they seem closer than before! When we fight, we just get worse. In every way. Every time. Azula, I’m so tired...

\- Zuko...”

He turns his head to her and seems surprised at the look in her eyes.

“I heard what you said when you arrived here. Something about me slipping.

\- I’m sorry you heard tha-

\- It doesn’t matter. I want to ask: have I ever _not_ been slipping? There are bursts when it’s worse but... it doesn’t feel like I’ve gone crazy. I don’t remember ever being... _not like this_. I wonder...”

She pauses, looking for her words. She nervously plays with loose strands of hair, barely caring that she’s pulled out some.

“I wonder if I’ve always been wrong, like Mom believed. What if I never slipped? What if this is just who I am, when I stop pretending?”

Azula starts crying, shaken with violent hiccups. Her teeth are clattering. Zuko has to grab her wrists to stop her from violently tearing hair off her scalp.

“I don’t want to be the princess who killed her brother and terrorised her people! That’s horrible, why would anyone want that? I want people to like me and want me around, but they never do! What if I just can’t help it? What if I spend years trying to be better but I’m not like you, and I can’t change?”

Zuko doesn’t say anything. He just stares at her.

“Answer me!”

She tried to roar like she usually does when she gives orders, but it’s just a strangled shriek.

“You had Iroh, and Mai, and Mom, but who can _I_ turn to to support me? I can’t be alone again... I hate being the only person I can talk to, I hate being by myself!”

Blue fire swirls out of Azula’s fingers, it spirals into the night sky and shines cool lights on the siblings’ faces.

“For what it’s worth”, Zuko slowly articulates, “I don’t think you’re a monster.

\- Then what am I?!

\- It’s not my place to tell you. All I know is you’re not the sister I need, and I don’t think I’ve ever been the brother you wanted. We’re just not good for each other.”

He finally lets go of Azula and stands up, brushing some dust off his clothes.

“I’m going to wait for the others at the beach. You’re free to leave, as you said you wanted.

\- You know I’m going to stay.”

Zuko heads for the gate. Azula hugs her knees, feeling cold again. The emptiness is gone, she just feels crushed now. Every particle of dirt on her is unbearable filth, she’s sick at the stench of her own sweat and at how nasty everything about her looks and feels.

“You know...”

Of course, Zuko can’t just leave without a last word. Azula looks in his direction, but she’s surprised that she feels annoyed more than angry.

“I call you my sister, but you’re not really family. Just like I call Father my father, but Uncle Iroh is the one I think of a paternal figure.

\- Yeah, yeah, you don’t want anything to do with me, you don’t have to rub it in...

\- That’s not what I mean. Your life isn’t over, it doesn’t have to be. If the person you grow into thinks she could use a brother like me, if you think we could be siblings for real this time, you know where to find me.”

He stares at her again, like he’s taking in everything he possibly can about her.

“Goodbye, Azula.”


End file.
